Camarillo Marathon 2010

Oh the Horror!

Nestled just north of the Santa Monica mountains and caressing the Pacific ocean, Ventura is a picturesque burg offering many delights for residents and tourists alike. Unfortunately, our journey to run a new Boston qualifier marathon did not take us to this idyllic setting, rather to its black sheep step cousin next door, the aptly named town of “Camarillo” which in Portuguese means “why does anyone live here let alone want to run a marathon here”. I realize the word count does not quite matchup, but Google Translator does not lie.

My wife and I along with 10 of our team mates from the Forward Motion Race Club jumped at the chance to run in a new Boston qualifier billed as a flat, fast course with stunning views, music/bands at every mile, and a post-event party to rival Burning Man. The bonus was that the location, Camarillo, was only 400 miles away, so 5 hours by plane with check-in, security and a 1 hour flight time or a 16 hour drive through some of the worst traffic known to man (other than that 60 mile traffic jam in China). We opted to fly knowing my patience with traffic (I have none) and my desire for my wife to stay married to me once we encountered said traffic.

We landed in Burbank, the nearest airport capable of accommodating aircraft larger than my sons’ Fisher Price toy planes, hopped in our Nissan Versa rental car (the butt ugliest pregnant rollerskate I’ve ever driven, but hey, it got like 42 miles per gallon, 50 mpg when my wife got out and pushed), and headed onto the freeway. Then we stopped, and stopped some more, and for variety, stopped some more. We had encountered Friday night Southern California rush hour traffic (insert image of Munch’s The Scream here). One of the seven levels of Hell, reserved for those who refuse to vote and fund public transportation, uninformed tourists like us, and Prius drivers. We battled our way through the traffic, me gripping the wheel in a stressed fueled road rage and my wife frantically trying to find a radio station playing anything other than Spanish language music or the latest Katy Perry song. Our little trek took us through the beautiful towns of Studio City (porn capital of the US), Thousand Oaks (I only counted 994), and Oxnard (Nard’s of the Ox). Fortunately, my wife agreed to remain married to me upon our arrival at the Ventura Beach Marriot. We met up with some friends who had decided traveling by car the entire way was just as stressful as our path. Copious amounts of liquid stress relief quieted the inner demons and capped off the day.

Saturday morning we headed out to a nice path along the beach to shake out the legs, test the GPS watch, and take in some fresh ocean air. We found the bike path/trail/boardwalk headed north for many miles passing the Ventura pier, local surfing spots, nicely landscaped parks, and plenty of public facilities like restrooms and water fountains. Please take note of this last sentence and file it away for later reference. My wife commented we would be really fortunate if the marathon the next day followed a coastal route since the cool air and scenic vistas would really help push us to personal bests. In the afternoon, we attended packet pickup at a local strip mall Sports Authority suffering through the crush of the tens of participants. Our first hint that something was horribly wrong should have been the lack of any Expo, actual participants, or the constant reminders to “memorize the course map”.

Our race club gathered in downtown Ventura for a pre-race ritual of pasta, a little red wine, and good conversation with good friends. Race strategies were discussed, predictions were made, and PRPE’s (post race performance excuses) were formulated. We adjourned to our hotels wary of the of the early morning start time of our “flat, fast, scenic views with bands every mile” marathon looming closer.

Race morning we carpooled over to the start of the race heeding the Race Director’s advice that parking would be difficult due to the thousands of participants signed up for the race (actual count for the marathon was 280). Because we arrived before even the bars were closed, parking was a breeze. We stood around in the dark until there was enough light to find the porta-johns and navigate the essential pre-race bowel cleansing. Having successfully cleansed the bowels, I wandered over to the start line, looking hopelessly for a balloon arch, one of those inflatable Wildflower style canopies, or any other sign of an actual start line. What I found was the word “START” scrawled in the middle of the street with chalk. Around 7AM, most participants began to congregate in the middle of the street. All the Forward Motion folks pushed, well not really pushed since there were so few people, we “gathered” at the front of the pack next to no one that looked like a world class marathoner. Three Kenyans, an Ethiopian, and two Russian marathoners I believe read about the Camarillo marathon, but had the good sense to stay away. An air horn sounded and we started running assuming that was the starting gun.

In the lead pack, we had a host of unique characters. There was Black Compression Socks Guy, Booberella (whose store bought body modifications defied the laws of physics), Good Hair guy, and one lonely looking South American dude who looked like he really did not want to be there (the eventual race winner). The FoMo Gang of Five, Chris, Simon, Andy, Jeff M., and Chuck set a blistering pace from the start, so I elected to hold back in order to preserve their egos and run with Jesus (no, not that Jesus, the other Jesus. I don’t think that Jesus was much of a runner, but if he was, I bet he was totally into that whole minimalist shoe thing). I ran comfortably for about 5 miles entering the most scenic part of the entire course, the business park loop, with its stunning views of loading docks, mediocre corporate landscaping, cracked pavement parking lots, and a lonely night watchman snoozing in his photo hut guard shack. It was breathtaking in its beauty and grandeur. I can honestly say I have never seen such “stunning views” since the Big Sur marathon in 1998. I remember thinking “why is this marathon in Camarillo and not in Ventura along the ocean path?” It would be something I would think about for the next 18 mind-numbing miles of soul crushing boredom.

By mile 9, the Gang of Five had dropped me, Jesus had deserted me to lead others down the righteous path, so I was left only with the voices in my head. They were screaming at me to give them some form of visual stimuli other than rows upon of rows of tomato and green pepper fields, broken down tractors, and a seemingly endless stretch of asphalt disappearing into the fog ahead. Although the temperature was only in the low 70’s the humidity was high probably due to the crop irrigation surrounding us. We were well inland on most of the course, far enough from the ocean where only the most navigationally challenged seagulls ventured. I was sweating more than normal so was looking forward to the electrolyte replenishment drink said to be on the course. We had received at least 60 emails prior to the race advertising the race drink of choice would be a brand called “Gleukos”. No one had heard of this mythical drink, but since it was to be provided on the course, many of chose to forego carrying our own.

I started to pass aid stations where the besieged volunteers were faced with delivering the daunting news to incoming runners that they did not have any water cups, only gallon jugs of water. I was handed a partially full jug and told to just put it down along the road when I was done. Does anyone know how hard it is to bend down and place a jug of water on the ground with tired and cramping legs while trying to maintain pace? Well, it was not something I planned to test, so I handed my jug to a confused looking farm laborer who happened to be standing alongside the road. Then I spent the next 3 miles thinking about all the people who had drunk from that jug before me…shivers. Not only were the aid stations without cups, but the mythical Gleukos sports drink was nowhere to be found. When I asked one volunteer at mile 15, I got a “huh?” in return. I started to cramp pretty bad at this point so went into survival mode. I veered off course to the nearest field and grabbed a couple tomatoes remembering from my high school Botany class that tomatoes contained sodium. The two green tomatoes did not solve the cramping so I ran through a farmer’s pasture and happened upon a cow salt lick. Not wanting to lose my pace, I picked up the block of salt and continued on down the road licking frantically with about a dozen heifers in hot pursuit. Having satiated my salt craving I left the salt block on the side of the road for any fellow travelers behind me.

Around mile 20, the aid stations not only lacked cups, Gleukos, and Gu, but even volunteers. Mile markers were non-existent at this point in the race, so I relied on my Garmin and asking the handful of spectators milling around along the course how far from the finish I was. The Race Director toyed with our sanity by making us run past the finish line at mile 23 to do an out-n-back through the Camarillo International Airport (departures to Oxnard and Bakersfield every third Tuesday). I was able to see the Gang of Five looking strong with Chris leading the charge. My goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon loomed near as I watched my race time inch towards 3:20, the qualifying time for my age group. I summoned all my reserves and pushed through the finish line posting a 3:20:17 (Boston gives you the extra 0:59 seconds), so I met my goal along with most of my compatriots.

Our team took home three podium spots, a few blisters, and some great memories. The post-event party, the one billed as being bigger than Burning Man, well, that was actually some guy making pancakes on a rusty BBQ grill. Oh, and those bands at every mile, they must have all be practicing for the National Mime Tour since I failed to see or hear a single one. I am really proud of my teammates for persevering through what can only be described as a very organizationally challenged marathon. Everyone finished with a smile or grimace on their faces, most of us qualified for Boston, and those that did not will be running again soon to meet their goals.

Note: I have to contrast my post-race recovery ritual with one of my teammates “Carrie”, a world class athlete who is one half of an uber couple in our race club. She took an ice bath, ate a nutritious lunch low in calories, and used an electrical stimulation recovery system on her drive home. I meanwhile, soaked in the hot tub, dined on In-and-Out Burger, and washed down 4 Advils with a beer.